Finding your tribe: Why we need an a**hole

This one is a bit tongue in cheek, but the inspiration came when last week I felt I’d given enough to a particular situation and that a line needed to be drawn. The nagging voice came in, “OMG am I a complete a**hole?” Reassured by a trusted friend that my stance was entirely reasonable I got thinking about the necessity of having this much maligned part of the anatomy.

As someone who has been on the receiving end of bullying, but was also fortunate enough to experience kindness too, I know the value of being kind. The world is a nicer place when we are nice to one another. Being nice and good to people is something I aspire to. I don’t always manage, but I think it is wholesome to at least try. And we only need to switch on the news to see the decimation that occurs when kindness and empathy for other living beings gets dropped. So kindness, care and empathy are the beating heart of humanity.

So why does a big heart also need an a**hole? To put it bluntly not everyone is kind back.

I don’t think kindness and giving should be reduced to mere transactions. Not everyone has equal resources, some do have greater giving capacity than others do. And that’s ok, as long as our giving doesn’t drain us and is sustainable. Or if we are on the taking side, that we respect the boundaries and needs of others beyond our own needs. But there are some who take advantage of the willingness of others to give and help. They push boundaries or disrespect them altogether. They reduce the giver to being a resource for whatever it is they need or want.

And faced with those people, who are out there, we need our a**hole as much as we need our heart. The a**hole is the means by which the you know what leaves. 😉

It got me thinking about the different levels on which relationships exist. Those that are reciprocal, those that are transactional, and those that are, frankly, exploitative. To me a genuine relationship is reciprocal. The giving might not be equal as the participants may not have equal resources, but there is a mutual affection, care and interest that goes beyond someone’s usefulness for want of a better term. Reciprocal relationships have a sense of something being shared rather than exchanged. Transactional relationships have their place, but it’s good to know the difference. Not everyone is going to be a friend, and in some transactions keeping friendship out of it might keep things simpler, for example business arrangements and some work relationships. By and large I tend to see these as business or professional arrangements, services or goods being exchanged. Of course keeping the heart in transactional relationships is still good. They work better if we are kind and respectful to one another. And everyone is a human being at the end of the day. For an agreement to hold up respect for both participants needs to prevail. Where does the a**hole come in? Well, hopefully not needed for our reciprocal friendships, we want to keep those, unless they have run their course and we have grown apart. But when there isn’t that sense of shared affection and genuine interest in one another, then it is what Aristotle termed mutual utility. If one participant isn’t keeping up their side of the bargain, is disrespectful to us, or we no longer need or want what was being exchanged, then it’s time for the arrangement to end. We do have a finite amount of time and energy so we do need to expend it wisely. Of course arrangements don’t need to end badly, and it’s nicer if they don’t. We all need people so it’s better to leave the door open if we can.

There is one type of relationship that we do need our a**hole for, and that is the exploitative one, the person who has reduced us to a resource, someone they see as useful to have on hand while caring little for us or our wellbeing, the person who is taking liberties and disrespecting us as a person. Where there is only room for them and their needs. No need to keep the door open for such people. Close it firmly, let the a**hole do its job and release the doo doo.

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